the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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