My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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