Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
