Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
