what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
