I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
