I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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