she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
