no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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