i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She tied me up with her honor cords...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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