Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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