I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
