he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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