It's like a parade of train wrecks.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
