she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
