Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
