finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
