drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
