His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
