i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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