im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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