Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
