Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
