I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
