So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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