I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
