I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
In America we eat man semen.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
