So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
