I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
