For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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