I accidentally had phone sex last night
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
