I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
