You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
