Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
