I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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