I cannot find my penis.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
