I just saw a hot homeless man
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
