i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
