i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
