I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
