I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize