Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
