I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need a beard to bite.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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