just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
