Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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