Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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