If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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