Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
