Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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