Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
