so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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