I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i think i just lost a toe
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
