she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
