Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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