i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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