Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
