this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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