Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
