if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
