Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
