Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
